An Ungraspable Phantom

 Almost two years on, I feel like I should bring up a list of things and see where we are... What is this, an appraisal already?! Well, dear reader, I have  rolled the dice on the DM sandal game and have come out rather the better this time (although I should probably have one of those little knives people have for taking stones out of horseshoes, what with the amount of grit I pick up on a daily basis). I've been in a new job, pushing pieces of paper around and making sure those emails hurry along, since September last, and still keep my hand in with some ongoing hospitality work (because actually... I like it?). I think my relationship with singing is it its worst place so far really, especially miserable after what should be some totally unmitigated triumphs (new teacher, doing my first Messiah as soloist with a real orchestra) but being faced by the fact that I might just... not be consistently good enough ? Maybe this is as good as it's ever going to get and I'm strugg...

 Fun fact, everyone: I had a drafted post with the exact same title except basically it's all gone decidedly Pete Tong around me. Okay! Let's start again. I did  purchase a pair of Doc Marten sandals and tried to make them my new personality but managed to wear through the "Softwair" soles in under three months. I thought that by buying a seriously-priced pair of leather sandals I had at last succeeded in correctly interpreting the Sam Vimes Boots theory, and that such an item of footwear would in fact outlive me. In fact , I went straight through them. Whoops. In all fairness to the Truro branch of Schuh, they replaced them immediately and sent my worn pair off to the experts at DM to see what kind of horrors can be prevented next time. Keen foot fans will remember the time I dropped £70 a pair of boots from Clarks and managed to destroy them so completely that the iron shank that runs down the centre rotted away. ANYWAY rather than spend £139 on these beautiful beau...

 Well well well... Here we are. ~?~ I suppose it's welcome back to me ? Gosh, I haven't written a blog for almost three years. Given that I've done more actual professional writing than ever this past year, why haven't I written more? For myself? For me? Of course, the number one reason is just depression. Personal, geographical, financial, professional... It's all been a hell of a time. And of course, it's Christmas. Gosh, how I hate this. The thing is though... I want to write. I want to do something . In a way, writing online has always been part of my battle with depression. For years I wrote to stay alive, really, to turn away from the very worst of self-destruction and... It worked! But things change. Life changes, as all things must, and the ground shifts and then the familiar coping strategies no longer work and new ones must come in their place, but what happens when you can't come up with management quickly enough? And that's why I'm coming...

My name's Paul-Ethan Bright and I'm...  ~*~ Okay, this might take a little explaining. I gave up writing regularly and self-advertising because I felt like I was losing my grip and just getting more and more depressed. I tried to kick-start things with a routine, I suppose the common parlance these days would be to reboot, but let's not digress... For whatever reason, I wasn't able to sustain that, I mean, looking back it wasn't possible to write a recipe, review a new book  and  album every week so things fell apart. I have found that writing often helps me get through trauma, but on the other hand, it is easy to go a little too far the other way and just... Succumb to the void. I started this particular venture three years ago, and while there have been some significant gaps, I haven't given up entirely. I mean, we're here, aren't we? "It's true." Now, I left us all on a brave and unexpected narrative device from the bott...

New year, new me. Did you know, it's actually an anagram of " Y we renew men "?  Amazing.  The more you know. What the hell am I doing, kicking this hornets' nest again?  Well, you know... I need to do something .  Not long before all this new year fervour returns to the usual omni-seasonal depression, where drinking replaces progress because drinking pints isn't frightening but growth is.  Because failure terrifies me.  Because saying what's going on isn't worth the effort; not only is explanation necessary , but also laughed off as I "must only be joking" and it's not worth taking seriously.  (Perhaps my mistake on that one, how foolish of me to consider that I matter.). "I know.  Same as it ever was." So what are we to do?  Oh, I don't know.  Funnily enough I saw something on Twitter that spoke to me with an enormous volume, that making your goals public means you are far less likely to complete them.  I get that.  ...

Long time no see, eh?  Let's recap. It has been seven months and fifteen days since my last post.  Forgive me, for I have lapsed.  In the intervening age, both much and nothing has happened.  Nothing, inasmuch as I am still here, still working a desk job, still singing in choir... Although I broke up with my girlfriend for a bit!  That was something. Last time I spoke about my depression towards my career.  If anything, with the roll round of the new year and the realisation that unless I can care about myself then nobody else will, I am probably in the worst position ever regarding myself and my abilities, confidence and prospects.  I I don't feel like I can rely on anyone above me to support me or provide opportunities (or even point me in a direction), let alone on myself, having spent the last two decades basically telling myself how bad I am only to have that message amplified throughout my years at University and even here, now, in my current...