Tomorrow it could be you

My name's Paul-Ethan Bright and I'm... 

~*~

Okay, this might take a little explaining. I gave up writing regularly and self-advertising because I felt like I was losing my grip and just getting more and more depressed. I tried to kick-start things with a routine, I suppose the common parlance these days would be to reboot, but let's not digress... For whatever reason, I wasn't able to sustain that, I mean, looking back it wasn't possible to write a recipe, review a new book and album every week so things fell apart. I have found that writing often helps me get through trauma, but on the other hand, it is easy to go a little too far the other way and just... Succumb to the void. I started this particular venture three years ago, and while there have been some significant gaps, I haven't given up entirely. I mean, we're here, aren't we?

"It's true."

Now, I left us all on a brave and unexpected narrative device from the bottom of my bag of tricks - the cliffhanger! It's true. I can now publicly confirm that I have been made redundant from my office job. That job that I was desperate to change or leave or both; at last. But it's taken us a while to get here. The office is undergoing a "restructuring" - I'm sure I don't need to go into much more detail, not that further explanation strikes me as a particularly good idea anyway. All we really need to know is that my job as it was doesn't exist anymore. The plot twist is that this was all announced when I published last, but it's taken until now for the process to wrap up. This has not done the inside of my head any good.

Is there anything that can rescue this from being a thousand words of navel-gazing woe? Well, maybe. Small victory. I passed my driving test! I passed my manual driving test! Second time's the charm, after all, but I managed to squeeze in a none-too-shabby 6 minors, or "driver errors" as they're termed, but I really did it. Unfortunately, I don't have a car, which has led to some boringly short and uninspired conversations with people who expect me to have my own vehicle, taxed and ready to go, but alas alack! At this point, that purchase isn't really priority one becaaaaaaaause redundancy, but y' know. Fingers crossed. I'm about to close my overdraft for the first time since ever opening my student account, so at least I won't be using money that technically isn't mine (and just before the stonking new charges to be rolled out at the start of the new tax year that's only around the corner), and maybe save up.  Maybe.

"A change is as good as a rest."

It's been a long time getting here though, and as I said, this hasn't done my mental health very much good at all. Trying to find out what's been happening week-to-week hasn't been a fulfilling process at times. I'm kind of walking on eggshells here so I don't say anything too controversial but let's just be certain that I don't have an axe to grind or an agenda in trying to write about it - I understand that the restructuring is necessary and has been a long time coming, and unfortunately, it's my role that's gone but... There we have it. It doesn't change the fact that I now have to start looking for a new job and trying to work out what to do. And that... That's a tricky position.

What am I going to do? There's the rub, really. I suppose I could do... Anything! Recently I celebrated my 30th birthday, and in the usual fun cliché, I find myself wondering what I'm doing. Is all this happening at once the sign that this generation is constantly asking for? I've lost my job, but also I've passed my driving test, and I managed to pull an extremely respectable distinction for my Associated Board of the Royal School of Music Grade VIII singing exam out of the bag. Maybe this is the point where I just pick myself up and... Go back to Uni?? You know, do I, like, actually give the studying singing thing a proper go? People are always saying how capable and gifted and talented I am, so maybe I should actually take a gamble on this?  

I don't know.

All I really know is that I need to get past today before I can start processing what I need to do next critically. I don't really know what I want to do, but I also know how things stand at the moment mean I need something with hours (and potentially commuting time) to fit with Choir. That said, I've spent almost ten years at a desk, and I don't necessarily feel like carrying that on for a long term career is a good idea at this point. A change is as good as a rest. Right?

~*~

Things have been difficult. I haven't had a real handle on my emotional or mental state, and it's been a lot of anger, fear, sadness, indecision, indignation... There's a palpable sense of loss as well, trying to get to grips with just, having the job disappear rather than anything else. All that experience I have... Sort of gone? Yeah, bit of a weird one. This isn't an ideal time of year to look for jobs on the whole, and given the waves of national and economic shut down that's happening already don't make me feel terribly confident. Who knows how that will affect Cornwall's tourist season.

Oy.

I'll keep singing, and I'll continue writing my audience-beloved programme notes (and if anyone needs a programme writer then I'm sure we could agree to a reasonable rate).  Anybody who follows my Instagram account will have noticed my hand has turned to collage pieces alongside the normal pictures of food, which one day I'll work out how to sell for money (hopefully).  I sorted myself a Ko-fi page as well, for what it was worth, but I don't make enough content regularly enough to think about Patreon or similar yet, but you never know.  And I even got a PayPal link to just be paid directly.  Feels a bit shill-y but you know, don't ask don't get and all that.  At this point basically, anything will help.

"Make friends with disaster. Misfortune is your cousin."

Okay, quick conclusion.  How do we tie this all together?  Huh.  It's gonna be weird.  Apart from that brief stint as a school administrator and an even shorter time as table waiter, this is kind of all I've known - not only the job itself but the working pattern and everyone else I've worked with over the years... And everyone else who comes in regularly.  It is a brave new world that waits, new beginnings just around the corner... But yeesh does it feel like even that corner is miles away.  The last 5 days have gone on for approximately six months but there's still plenty of 2020 to go.  Anyway.  Tune in next time.  Maybe I'll talk about art or food or self-isolation, or something, I don't know.