Loomings

 Well well well... Here we are.

~?~

I suppose it's welcome back to me? Gosh, I haven't written a blog for almost three years. Given that I've done more actual professional writing than ever this past year, why haven't I written more? For myself? For me?

Of course, the number one reason is just depression. Personal, geographical, financial, professional... It's all been a hell of a time. And of course, it's Christmas. Gosh, how I hate this. The thing is though... I want to write. I want to do something.

In a way, writing online has always been part of my battle with depression. For years I wrote to stay alive, really, to turn away from the very worst of self-destruction and... It worked! But things change. Life changes, as all things must, and the ground shifts and then the familiar coping strategies no longer work and new ones must come in their place, but what happens when you can't come up with management quickly enough? And that's why I'm coming back. What has been done before can be done again.

I don't want to overload myself with goals and minimum levels - I have a reputation for long-form writing after all - but I recognise that I want to say things and publish them, if only in this online theatre. As much as I have thoughts about my life and why I'm a terrible person, I have thoughts about art and food and how I navigate the world, and why everything is desperately unfair.

There are several drafts on here that I never finished or published, and I see them and remember losing my nerve over them (and I feel it right now, too). Nobody needs to read this, nobody needs to hear what I say, nobody needs to know me... And that's fine. Read as you wish.

Time to set to.