All Astir

 Well, here we go again...

It's been a long time since I consistently wrote anything. I have a few concert programmes under my belt (and a new one to get on with), and a small list of regular recipes I make myself (that again, I really must add to), but like so many things in my life, I'm simply out of practice. And underconfident! I constantly limit myself with the worst ableist slurs imaginable. Anyway.

I'm going to write the things I said I was, and just publish them and then share them and then it's kind of... your problem? There is room for how much I love cooking risotto alongside how much I truly hate every failure I have brought to my own door and the several thousand words I have for videogame franchises. It's all here! And then you can decide how it makes you feel while I flail around. I am constantly inspired by the work of others, so I might try some shorter-form stuff as well as my characteristic information overwhelm. I am in a period of really brutal depression, and I'll be totally honest with you, dear reader, it's just killing me. Where have you gone, anyway? I haven't really made peace with everything that happened at the end of last academic year, a heady mix of what Personal Professional Development is permitted and what that might look like, career progression (or not), and the eternal problem of underinvestment, and how embarrassing I can be.

In the meantime, I've been filling my time with working, and working my other job, working also my third job, trying to come to terms with working on myself, and generally not succeeding at many things. I recognise that the depression not only that I am going through and inflict on other people has led to a significant position of isolation - as much as misery loves company, one of my recurring flaws is making it feel like other people's problems as well. A problem shared is rarely a problem halved. And honestly! There are so many opportunities to discuss and attempt a kind of mental rotavation, but it isn't without the danger (for want of a better expression) of nothing ever quite settling because I don't have the tools or the conviction at my disposal at the moment. While I might have accidentally become the "touch grass" person lately, I still have a long way to go - but I did get out to the pèlerinage spirituel at the end of last week, so that was nice. 

I think I'm going to wrap this up here, before I just get stuck in some recursive loop of self-indulgent catastrophising (not that I haven't already). I think there's something of value under all this, which is why we do what we do, I suppose, but it is almost overwhelming. As long as there is light, the shadow remains cast.