As if it were an Apple
Long time no see, eh? Let's recap.
It has been seven months and fifteen days since my last post. Forgive me, for I have lapsed. In the intervening age, both much and nothing has happened. Nothing, inasmuch as I am still here, still working a desk job, still singing in choir... Although I broke up with my girlfriend for a bit! That was something.
Last time I spoke about my depression towards my career. If anything, with the roll round of the new year and the realisation that unless I can care about myself then nobody else will, I am probably in the worst position ever regarding myself and my abilities, confidence and prospects. I I don't feel like I can rely on anyone above me to support me or provide opportunities (or even point me in a direction), let alone on myself, having spent the last two decades basically telling myself how bad I am only to have that message amplified throughout my years at University and even here, now, in my current choral employment things can be a bit rough (although that's an interesting point in itself - any self-led scheme is endorsed without delay but even day-to-day attitudes can be as tiring af yo).
Things have been heading in a very bad downward spiral since about then. I "opened the box" on that problem and in acknowledging it found myself all but defeated by it and things got worse and worse. And then there's the mounting job dissatisfaction as well, which all came to an explosive head in having what I could term as a "light mental breakdown" and had to be eventually signed off work for a month as I couldn't cope. I also (finally) received diagnosis of osteoarthritis in my left knee during this time. Great.
But all this misery expressed itself another way, which ended with me thinking that breaking up with my long term girlfriend was the absolute right thing to do.
I got stuck... Which is always what I was afraid of, but, uh, this time I got stuck in a pattern of bad habit. I drank too much, ate out constantly, and more importantly and terribly, just stopped communicating with my partner of three years now. (Spoiler alert: we got back together). Things are still being unpacked but... Yeah. I essentially got stuck in a place where I felt I was looking at a complete failstate and panicked and did something... Which turned out to be the wrong thing. This is not a place to discuss specifics, really, but things are better. I am trying to improve my disastrous diet and communicative abilities, and while it's a struggle, at least things are going in a more positive direction. Disappointingly, of course, these improvements are not instant.
So. I tried to end my relationship and that didn't work. What next? Well, I had an interview for a new job last week. I mean, this is momentous! When was the last time I had an actual interview for a job?! Alas, my expectations remain low. The only problem with working is hours and availability, and as I haven't got any plans to become a teacher, it seems that any kind of gainful employment is as difficult as ever. Last month I finally managed to have an appraisal at my office job, where I managed to voice several of my concerns, not least the lack of pay rise (funny story: during my interview I was told the pay for the prospective new job would be National Minimum wage, but at least I would get a pay rise by default rather than nothing for years) but also how I feel about myself in the job and how I feel as a disabled person. I get extremely depressed about my disabilities these days, because I feel more and more that I am incapable of anything other than "grunt work", that there's no career progression for me. If I was asked where I see myself in five years, I would say honestly still here, still working 20 hours a week, with no path for promotion, perhaps with further responsibilities on top but certainly no perks. I am genuinely worried that the next rise in the minimum wage will outstrip my wage, and I'm also worried that there seems to be no awareness of this? Although I suppose this concern is far above my pay grade.
Maybe I should just quit entirely? I've tried one thing, that was a disaster; maybe leaving employment would not be? Of course, I have my mother constantly on my shoulder though, "but what else will you do?".
So we enter a new age, really. One defined by the struggle to cut out bad habits and instead indulge in some self-care, and very importantly, go and have Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I'm going for my first session (and indeed, my first sit-down, one-on-one session with a therapist for almost 8 years) in the next few days, and honestly I have no idea what to expect. I'm worried that I will find it difficult to cope, what with having to recount, I dunno, everything. I had to revisit my suicide attempts from my undergraduate days recently and I can tell you that was one big barrel of laughs.
Oh well. Being alive is tricky sometimes after all.
Oh well.
It has been seven months and fifteen days since my last post. Forgive me, for I have lapsed. In the intervening age, both much and nothing has happened. Nothing, inasmuch as I am still here, still working a desk job, still singing in choir... Although I broke up with my girlfriend for a bit! That was something.
Last time I spoke about my depression towards my career. If anything, with the roll round of the new year and the realisation that unless I can care about myself then nobody else will, I am probably in the worst position ever regarding myself and my abilities, confidence and prospects. I I don't feel like I can rely on anyone above me to support me or provide opportunities (or even point me in a direction), let alone on myself, having spent the last two decades basically telling myself how bad I am only to have that message amplified throughout my years at University and even here, now, in my current choral employment things can be a bit rough (although that's an interesting point in itself - any self-led scheme is endorsed without delay but even day-to-day attitudes can be as tiring af yo).
Things have been heading in a very bad downward spiral since about then. I "opened the box" on that problem and in acknowledging it found myself all but defeated by it and things got worse and worse. And then there's the mounting job dissatisfaction as well, which all came to an explosive head in having what I could term as a "light mental breakdown" and had to be eventually signed off work for a month as I couldn't cope. I also (finally) received diagnosis of osteoarthritis in my left knee during this time. Great.
But all this misery expressed itself another way, which ended with me thinking that breaking up with my long term girlfriend was the absolute right thing to do.
I got stuck... Which is always what I was afraid of, but, uh, this time I got stuck in a pattern of bad habit. I drank too much, ate out constantly, and more importantly and terribly, just stopped communicating with my partner of three years now. (Spoiler alert: we got back together). Things are still being unpacked but... Yeah. I essentially got stuck in a place where I felt I was looking at a complete failstate and panicked and did something... Which turned out to be the wrong thing. This is not a place to discuss specifics, really, but things are better. I am trying to improve my disastrous diet and communicative abilities, and while it's a struggle, at least things are going in a more positive direction. Disappointingly, of course, these improvements are not instant.
So. I tried to end my relationship and that didn't work. What next? Well, I had an interview for a new job last week. I mean, this is momentous! When was the last time I had an actual interview for a job?! Alas, my expectations remain low. The only problem with working is hours and availability, and as I haven't got any plans to become a teacher, it seems that any kind of gainful employment is as difficult as ever. Last month I finally managed to have an appraisal at my office job, where I managed to voice several of my concerns, not least the lack of pay rise (funny story: during my interview I was told the pay for the prospective new job would be National Minimum wage, but at least I would get a pay rise by default rather than nothing for years) but also how I feel about myself in the job and how I feel as a disabled person. I get extremely depressed about my disabilities these days, because I feel more and more that I am incapable of anything other than "grunt work", that there's no career progression for me. If I was asked where I see myself in five years, I would say honestly still here, still working 20 hours a week, with no path for promotion, perhaps with further responsibilities on top but certainly no perks. I am genuinely worried that the next rise in the minimum wage will outstrip my wage, and I'm also worried that there seems to be no awareness of this? Although I suppose this concern is far above my pay grade.
Maybe I should just quit entirely? I've tried one thing, that was a disaster; maybe leaving employment would not be? Of course, I have my mother constantly on my shoulder though, "but what else will you do?".
//Disappointingly, of course, these improvements are not instant.\\
As ever, my answer to any similar question is that I don't know. But maybe I wouldn't be miserable? Maybe I'd have chance to look after myself? My own interests, rather than working a job I hate so I can buy things I don't need? Yeah, I dunno either.So we enter a new age, really. One defined by the struggle to cut out bad habits and instead indulge in some self-care, and very importantly, go and have Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I'm going for my first session (and indeed, my first sit-down, one-on-one session with a therapist for almost 8 years) in the next few days, and honestly I have no idea what to expect. I'm worried that I will find it difficult to cope, what with having to recount, I dunno, everything. I had to revisit my suicide attempts from my undergraduate days recently and I can tell you that was one big barrel of laughs.
Oh well. Being alive is tricky sometimes after all.
Oh well.
Comments
Post a Comment